Love a Little Harder by Jaden

Love a Little Harder by Jaden - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

When I was thirteen years old, my dad overdosed on oxycontin. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I dreaded going outside for months, because I feared seeing other families blissfully unaware. No one saw how my heart wrenched and my stomach turned when I saw a little girl holding hands with her dad at the park. I blamed myself, the world, even my dad for putting me through such pain. Even worse was the guilt I felt the first time I caught myself smiling. How could I smile? After that I stayed in my room for three days.
In the months following, I ran through every scenario in my mind in which I could have prevented his death. I decided it was my fault. I decided I did not love him enough and that I failed him. Why did I go to the movies with my friends instead of him? I must not have done enough. I prayed for sleep every night in hopes he would visit me in my dreams. Eventually, I learned how to cope with my grief. I have not gotten rid of it yet, and I do not think I ever will. However, I have since realized that he may not be with me physically, but my dad will always live on in my heart.
I started this essay with this prompt in mind: to love harder. I wanted to advise my younger self to spend more time appreciating my loved ones. While that is still at the top of my list, my mind has changed. I want to advise my past self that it was not my fault. I feel silly for blaming a vulnerable child for her father’s death. I want her to appreciate life for what it is. The best part of living is the emotions that come with it. Even though I felt deep and immense pain, that just means that I had the opportunity to experience deeper love. That is a beautiful thing, and I am so grateful for it.