My Biggest Failure is Becoming my Weakness by Isabella

My Biggest Failure is Becoming my Weakness by Isabella - July 2023 Scholarship Essay

Her palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
She's nervous, but on the surface she looks calm and ready
She opens her mouth, but the words won’t come out
Shes choking how, everybody’s joking now

My biggest failure during my education is almost letting my disorder and fear stop me from picking the career I wanted. These lyrics from Eminem’s “Lose Yourself'' song, describe what I have been living with every day of my life. At four, I remember trying to communicate, but the words would not come out. I asked myself, What is wrong with me? Why can't I speak? At one point, my grandparents turned their back on me; they believed I was rude and ungrateful because I would not communicate with them. My own grandmother used to say, “Cat cut your tongue?” Later, my parents started to believe the same thing and wondered what was wrong with me, why could I not communicate with others? At the age of four, my parents took me to a psychiatrist and her diagnosis changed my life. I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism. There is no cure for this disorder, but with time I have found ways to help me cope and live with this disorder.

Art has been with me all my life as my therapy. At school when I felt alone I would find myself simply looking outside and imagining what portrait I would design next which helped me feel less anxious in a classroom full of a new language, culture and people. Art is my everything, my sanctuary, my home. As life was changing around me after moving to the United States from Guatemala, there was art that stood by me and was the true constant. The feeling is indescribable when picking up the pencil. I dream of the impossible and accomplish it with Art. The definition of Art to me is my best friend that changes with me as I grow and that won’t ever leave my side.

As the world changed, so did I. The challenges I had with talking in groups, ordering food, asking for help, saying no, speaking my mind, became less stressful. Simple tasks to normal people were terrifying to accomplish for me. I let my fear take over and lost opportunities in my everyday life. I became my disorder and blamed my Selective Mutism for my difficulties. People saw me as a disorder instead of the goofy, happy, cheerful person I know myself as when I am in familiar situations. It also caused stress to the people I care about, especially my family. Most of my parents' life was a twenty four hour cycle of worry about my safety, happiness and stress/anxiety. This caused my parents to be overprotective, not knowing they were limiting activities, dreams and me growing as an independent adult. The need to impress and fear of disappointing my parents almost cost me the career I want to pursue. This year I took action for myself and decided to pursue a career I wanted, Architecture.

My hope for the future is to further learn the beauty of Architecture. My journey to be an architect has just begun and with hard work I will be graduating as an architect. I plan on using my career as an architect to provide my community with a place they can call their home. In my culture, ¨el hogar lo es todo¨ in other words “home is everything.”

It is my time to live my life as my own and have no regrets; this is what Eminem’s song is really about- losing yourself to the pursuit of your goals and finding the way to overcome all obstacles to achieve them.

"The soul’s escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking,"