It's okay by Eli

It's okay by Eli - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

When I was eight, I survived the Sandy Hook school shooting. When I found my sister, wearing a borrowed sweater, blood was in her hair, and she explained to me that “kids were hurt.” Later, we would learn that all of her classmates, along with her best friend in another class, died.

Seven years later, I attempted suicide for the first time and was subsequently hospitalized. For over a year, I cycled in and out of the hospital. I lived in a fog of pain that never cleared for long. We tried many different medications and therapies, but nothing helped.

And then, I had a breakthrough. Everyone had been telling me that Sandy Hook was the root of my mental illnesses, and I finally realized they were right. On top of the grief and horror I had buried, I had internalized many painful beliefs.

I should die, since it’s not fair for me to be alive when so many are not.

I have no right to be traumatized - I didn’t see anyone die.

I have no right to grieve - my friends didn’t die.

I have no right to be happy - happiness means I’m dishonoring the victims.

I could have done something to save them; why didn’t I do anything?

Once I articulated these beliefs, I could begin dismantling them and making long-term progress. While I still struggle with depression, I can honestly say that I am excited for my future.Once I articulated these beliefs, I could begin dismantling them and making long-term progress. While I still struggle with depression and PTSD, I can honestly say that I am excited for my future.

I ache for my younger self, for the child and teen in so much pain from lies he told himself. And so, the one piece of advice I would give my past self is that it’s okay.

It’s okay to live. Even though others can’t.

It’s okay to grieve. You also lost something that day.

It’s okay to be happy. The victims want you to feel joy.

It’s okay to be frightened. You were traumatized too.
It’s okay to want to feel better. You’re moving forward, not moving on.

It’s okay that you didn’t stop it. We were all helpless that day.

Even if I could actually tell my past self this, I suspect he wouldn’t have listened. After all, people say a lot of things - that doesn’t make it true. But even though I doubt that this advice could actually help my past self, I still wish I could try.