Mother by Derron

Mother by Derron - November 2023 Scholarship Essay

2017 July 24th, 2:47 am, the date where my life would change forever. The day where I became my lowest. My mother and stepfather always argued but something about this night was different. The bangs on the screen door woke me up, but I tried to ignore it, she came into my room to give me a kiss goodnight but then he showed up. He was the cause of the bangs on the screen door into my room, in which woke me up as they carried on outside my room. As the yelling progressed, I shot out of my bed to check on my mother. And that’s when it started. I saw him pinning my mother to the floor. This startled me and I wanted to protect my mother. I then threw a glass at him, this then put his attention on me. He corners me and my mother tackles him. I grabbed the lamp and threw it, but I was so scared I missed. I accidentally hit myself causing me to black out.

​All of that happened and suddenly I am 17 years old now. Looking back on the situation I wish I could have done so many things differently to prevent or save myself from getting hurt, but I can’t, and I always remind myself everything happens for a reason. Throughout the years of healing from that situation my relationship with my mom decreased which had me searching for that love from a mother when talking to girls. Which may be the reason I always have so many to talk to at a time but hey, who knows. I feel I must be perfect, with school or anything I do, and this sometimes causes me to lie just to look perfect. I think that’s a trait I get from my mother, from the stories I was told about her she always lied about something when she didn’t need to and that’s what I feel I’ve been doing, lying for no reason just to like this perfectionist. I struggle with managing my time and focusing my dad reminds that all the time. Trying to be perfect is overwhelming and can be stressful.

​What makes me who I am today? Is what I asked myself when writing and it’s not the trauma, or me getting hurt. It’s not having or feeling my mother’s love and affection. I don’t search for it anymore from her because I can’t continue to be disappointed whenever I expect it. Which is why I look for it in women I talk to without even realizing that that’s what I’m looking for a mom figure. I feel I will forever search for that feeling from a female. I’ve tried to stop this habit but it’s just something I need. Similar to when a baby cries in search of their mother for anything. My father covers both roles well when taking care of me but he’s not a female nor my mother. However, I plan to heal this wound through writing, talking about it with people I trust and possibly a therapist. The most important thing for me to do is forgive her. Her actions have hurt me and made me think low of myself many times but, forgiving her will bring me closure with this wound. I must remember whenever the day comes when I forgive her, that I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for me to bring closure within myself.