Education is heat by Daniel

Education is heat by Daniel - October 2022 Scholarship Essay

I was sitting in a room, alone, lit only by a glowing computer screen. I looked over at the alarm clock. It was still blinking “12:00” from a power outage a week ago. I didn’t want to know the time anyway, work was soon, probably, but right now I need to finish this last match in a video game. Always one last game. Ending on a loss will set my mood on a negative trajectory until I could play again after work. If you asked me then I would tell you that I am happy. I am doing exactly what I want to do. I am content. I am fulfilled. Life is perfect. Until I lost a match, that is.
Work was a distraction and a necessary evil. Alphabetizing rows of movies or books, checking out customers while listening to them drone on about how society is in a moral decay or exchanging superfluous pleasantries, “Hi how are you”, felt like shorthand for the former conversation. I don’t remember much from those days, life was a gray haze. You’d expect a shining moment to break through the fog, a moment that I could hold onto but looking back, I can’t. I just can’t. When I speak to trauma victims, today, they mention a similar amnesia, a blocking of terrible memories, except my life wasn’t as justified; there was simply nothing worth remembering.
My past self was trapped in an ice cube. My rationalizations were exhaled as bitter cold breaths adding to the walls of my own making. A person on the other side would tell you that something is off but they never wanted to intrude, after all I built my own prison. Therefore I must have wanted to be there. When I began to realize that this cold life was not the one I wanted to live, I tried to break free. I struggled as I beat my hands against the icy walls. I tried to change the temperature of my breath; think happy thoughts, be optimistic, just be happier. Nothing worked. A self-diagnosis through my own research led me to believe that I was an unfixable sociopath: I felt no emotion, I had no ambition, I could not relate to others, and I used others for personal gain. I was convinced, much that my life was perfect, that I was these attributes and qualities were myself and that I embodied them fully. “Of course”, I thought, as if the prison wasn’t my own creation; a consequence of my actions, it’s because I am a deviation from the norm.
My entire 20s, a time of freedom and finding yourself was defined by my own self-diagnosis. While a sociopath isn’t a real diagnosis, that self-construction prison was. I repeated this process several times in that decade: attempt to change my thoughts, see no progress, self-diagnose a terrible illness, accept until I lashed out again. Each cycle is punctuated by anger. After breaking an expensive pair of headphones, again, did I realize that the walls are thicker than they once were. I needed help.
“I tried everything, nothing works”, I explained. “I feel no emotion. I use people. I’m a sociopath”. The rebuttals were sharp and confusing, “You’ve tried nothing”, “sociopath is not a diagnosis”, “you feel anger”. My defenses were strong enough to withstand these counters for almost a year. Week after week my thoughts became more confusing, I wrestled inside my cage until I finally had the ultimate trump card, “This isn’t working. I’m still in here. I’m still stuck.”. The proof was glaring obvious to me. Why couldn’t he see that? What fancy question will he say to wiggle his way out of this one?
My attention was drawn to the outside of the ice cube, where it sat, and what surrounds it. Water. It’s melting. I was making progress. My fixation on the future kept me stuck in a failure loop of the present; If the ice wasn’t completely melted then there was no progress. There is progress, I can see it. After that realization, it only took a few weeks for me to stand in a puddle of water. I was free. But now what?
Education is freedom and it comes in many forms. Classically it comes from teachers or books, but mine came from perspective. I was trapped in my own head for a decade, convinced that I had all the knowledge I needed to escape or be content. I was shown immense patience and for that I will always be grateful. To give the gift of education, in any form, is to give a person freedom. When you are liberated from dogmatic practices you are given the confidence to explore unknown topics. With that, you can lead a truly fulfilling life, one full of hope and optimism. Education gives you information so you can make the best possible choice for yourself.