Academic Validation by Courtney

Academic Validation by Courtney - January 2022 Scholarship Essay

In early 2021, my only focus concerning my academics was to get an A. At this time, I allowed my report card to define my identity. I believed that my academic success was all that I had to show; I lived for the bright A+ conveyed on my report card every semester. I believed there was no other option. I accepted that I was living for a small letter grade portrayed on a paper. The same paper that made my family members proud and friends astonished, only made me remember the intrusive thoughts that came along with it. The paper didn’t show the sleepless nights spent dreading assignments and crying until I couldn’t let out a breath. There was no record of the missed softball practices and lack of free time with friends. The only thing there was to show was something I wasn’t truly proud of.
I had academic validation at the top of my pedestal at all times. There was no assignment or test that I didn’t think of all of the possible circumstances that could arise from it. I felt as though I had been held to high standards and I could only exceed them. If I failed to reach them, I would disappoint the ones I love. Truthfully, I was terrified of failure. From the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, I was putting forth my best effort in school. Truthfully, I didn’t know who Courtney Gierhart was without good grades. There came a point in early 2021 where I felt like a robot. Wake up. School work. Sleep. Repeat. I recall being so mentally and physically exhausted that instead of studying, I could only stress and worry about schoolwork. This was when I realized that I couldn’t keep living like this.
I wanted to receive a report card without worrying about the next. For the first time in my life, I strived to live for myself and not for a letter grade in black ink on a piece of paper. My goal was to manage my overthinking and find what I love. This year, with practice, I found my identity outside of the classroom. I found new outlets to better myself by attending the softball practices I missed, catch up on sleep, and find time to escape the stressful cycle with family and friends. I genuinely began to find myself again. I managed a mental battle that has controlled me for years, and it finally felt like I tackled the biggest adversity in my life. As a result of extracurriculars, I was able to attend my classes feeling refreshed and ready to learn. Instead of feeling nervous, I was genuinely excited for classes again. I immersed myself in each topic and attempted to learn more than what was needed for the test. I felt more proud than any report card could show.
When I received my final report card for the year, I had the same grades, but this time the grades meant something more to me. This time viewing the small black ink, I saw determination and someone with the resilience to work hard in and out of the classroom. They proved that I didn’t allow grades to define my identity. Controlling my overthinking will be a skill that I’m grateful to have strengthened in 2021. I believe this learning milestone will help me going forward into college and for what my future has in store.