Pride on Paper by Catalina

Pride on Paper by Catalina - June 2022 Scholarship Essay

It is midnight on June 1st, not a particularly late hour for me to be up, but an unusual time for my friends to receive their first “Happy Pride Month!” texts of the year. I know that my race to remind everybody I know who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community that I recognize the importance of this month to them stems from the lack of similar messages lighting up my phone at the same time. I do receive the same messages at some point, but they are simply replies. It was not until this year that I was okay with that, though. Queer people and allies worldwide have felt seen thanks to Alice Oseman’s iconic "Heartstopper" comic, myself included. Without Nick Nelson, I would still be struggling to see an Instagram post about celebrating Pride and thinking “go me!”. Nick Nelson taught me to trust myself and accept all parts of myself at my own pace.

November of 2021, I identified as bisexual. My coming out involved me telling my parents that I liked boys and girls, to which they replied with skepticism. To this day, we share the toxic “maybe it’s just a phase” mentality. My older sister, on the other hand, hugged me and bought me the first bi flag she could find in the dollar section of Target. With this flag displayed in my room, I gained the confidence to ask my friend to make me a pink, purple, and blue beaded bracelet to proudly wear my sexuality to school daily. If I had known that I would so quickly push myself back into the closet then, maybe I would have spent those proud moments being less discreet. When you have few LGBTQIA+ outlets to receive support from, it is harder to stay true to yourself. That is why having one lesbian friend tell me that I "cannot" be bi because I have never had a crush on a schoolmate resulted in me never wearing that bracelet again and why, when people ask if I am queer, I shrug and identify as unlabeled or questioning. Oseman’s Nick Nelson is someone I look up to, but he is also just like me. A closeted bisexual whose online gay quiz results brought him to tears, Nick is the character I needed when I was first questioning my sexuality. So in love with his male classmate, Charlie Spring, yet so fearful of the violence faced by the queer community, Nick reflects the inner turmoil of a closeted teen. Despite this fear, Nick continues to develop feelings for Charlie, which is the truest display of being queer that I have ever witnessed. In fact, it is not until Nick and Charlie have been dating for many months that Nick comes out to himself, Charlie, and finally his mom, as bisexual. Nick did not teach me to take an “Am I Gay?” quiz or date my classmate. Instead, he taught me to come out whenever I want, that my label is my choice, and that it is okay to just love in the moment. Labels are such a small part of the queer community, because, at the end of the day, being gay is about loving. I can be a girl and love a girl, and I do not have to have any kind of flag draped over our shoulders as we kiss. I can hold hands with whoever I want, and the colors of our bracelets matter so much less than the moment we share. I have decided that, just like Nick Nelson, I will simply love. The only thing that belongs in the closet is other people’s opinions.