My Reflection by Campbell

My Reflection by Campbell - December 2022 Scholarship Essay

Standing in the bathroom and looking in the mirror seemed effortless, but for me, the task seemed daunting. I somehow got so stuck in this self-loathing cycle that I would avoid looking in the mirror so I could keep this feeling of disgust from arising. It got to the point where I would get nothing done because I would just wallow in self-pity. I had no motivation, I was bullying myself, and I was trying to hide parts of myself so others would like me more. For months nothing got checked off the mile-long list of goals I had written for 2022, and they kept sitting on the back burner as I moped around for months and months on end.
I kept waiting for things to change but they never did. One day I was wasting time by scrolling on Pinterest. I came across this quote that stated, “nothing ever changes, if nothing changes.” I pondered on that quote and it felt like I just got roundhouse kicked in the jaw. Here I was expecting things to change and get better but I was doing absolutely nothing to make things better. I wasn’t doing anything to wash away the self-hatred and I wasn’t actively trying to love myself.
I wasn’t being disciplined with myself and I would rely on motivation which is a very unstable foundation if you want to get things done. I would say hurtful things to myself on a daily basis. Several times a day in fact. What hurt me most of all was the fact that I cared so deeply about what others thought that I tried to hide parts of myself in hopes that society would like me more. I decided I was going to make a change. I decided to stop saying hurtful things to myself, I started to learn how to be more disciplined, and I had to learn how to accept the idea that not everyone is going to like me and that is okay.
Every time I said something cruel to myself, I would say 3 positive things to counteract it. I started to listen to TEDx talks, and podcast episodes, and I started to read books on how to be more disciplined. I stopped trying to hide parts of me in the hope more people would like me more. I had to come to terms with the fact that if I am not my true authentic self, and if I keep hiding parts of myself I will keep attracting the wrong people into my life. I will attract people who won’t love me for who I truly am.
They’ll love the false persona that I’m putting up. Nothing changed overnight. After seeing that quote, I didn’t wake up the following morning as a brand-new person. Change takes time. Lots and lots of time. It didn’t happen overnight and I am still working on it every day. I will always be trying to be my best self.
No one will ever be perfect, and there is always something you can learn and improve on. This year has been the most difficult, but by far the most rewarding. I learned lessons that I am abundantly grateful for. I had to go through really vigorous challenges to learn those truths, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I became addicted to learning and growing from my mistakes and failures.
Because of 2022, I’ve built better habits and I’ve learned lessons that are going to help me reach my goals for 2023 and my aspirations for life.