Performance Anxiety by Brooklynn

Performance Anxiety by Brooklynn - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

I sit in my room pacing back and forth. I remember to take deep breaths to slow my heart rate and get rid of my cold sweats. Thankfully, the teacher is calling us in alphabetical order by last name, so I have time for “Vincent” to be called to decide whether to back out or not. “T…U…V.” I hear my name. It’s time. I grab my bow and violin and play the first note of Vocalise by Rachmaninov. Immediately, I must face my biggest fear: shaky bow.

Immediately, hundreds of thoughts scatter my mind.

“Oh no. I swear I made sure to put the perfect amount of rosin on my bow! Is it my posture? Just keep going, Brooklynn. You’re getting distracted! You know everyone is laughing at you anyway, might as well finish now.” Typical performance anxiety. I practice for hours on end, every day of the week. I don’t understand how my octaves are perfectly in tune in my bedroom, but when I stand in front of my classmates and teacher for weekly Studio Class, I sound like a cat being dragged on cement. Nonetheless, the critiques start coming in. Everyone is telling me how great of a job I did. Everything in my mind is telling me they are lying. After this day, I tell myself that I will never play live in front of an audience again. I beat myself up about this for months, but at the end of the day, this will save me from tons of embarrassment.

At the end of my junior year is when my teacher decided to make a huge announcement. It is time to pick a new concertmaster. Although this role comes with many responsibilities (leading the ensemble, tuning the orchestra, and making important musical and technical decisions), being the concertmaster has essentially been a dream for me since freshman year. Not only do I have experience leading the ensemble, but I also make time to come to all rehearsals and performances every day, on time.

“Our concertmaster for the 2022-2023 school year is…Brooklynn Vincent.” my teacher announces. I am excited. I now feel as though all my work for the past four years has finally paid off. “And one of the pieces we will play next year will feature you playing a solo.”

A solo. These words echo in my head for the rest of the class. I completely forgot that, among the other responsibilities, the concertmaster must play all of the solos in the orchestra. As much as I badly wanted this position, how will I be able to lead if I can’t play a single solo without tensing up?

It is the night of the spring concert and tonight I’m playing the first movement from Bach’s Violin Partita No. 2. My hands are sweating more than I ever thought they could. The audience is dead silent as I raise my instrument to my chin. After I play the first note, I let out a huge sigh. I play and play and play my heart out. As I hear my name echoing and cheers from the crowd, I wonder why I let so many opportunities slip from my hand. If I could go back now, I would tell myself that not everything has to be perfect. I can mess up over and over again, but this should not stop me from taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way.