I Am Disappointed by Behanka

I Am Disappointed by Behanka - July 2023 Scholarship Essay

" I am going to fail, I am going to fail, I know I am going to fail," I murmured as I stared at my Calculus 2 final exam. And once those final grades were released, sure enough, I failed. I broke down. Tears rolled down my face, and it felt as if I was suffocating. " Behanka, it's not that big of a deal," says my friend on the phone in an attempt to calm me down. Not that big of a deal. That phrase repeated in my head a hundred times before I could answer.
I have never failed before. I was a student in high school who only received As and Bs. Never once had to worry about being grounded for bad grades. Never once had to worry about being in trouble with the principal. Never once had to worry about not doing enough. I was not perfect, but I know my grades were outstanding. Even if I can't control my life, I can control my grades.
So when I got to college, I searched for ways to improve my studying technique. I read the lecture before class started, so I would be apprehensive of the lecture and take the opportunity to ask questions based on my reading. I would talk to my professor during office hours if I needed clarification after the lecture. Then, I would do my homework no later than three days after the lecture to keep the information fresh. I would study a week earlier before my exams. I would make a list on my phone notes, phone calendar, and visual calendar to stay ahead of meetings and assignments. I would meet with friends or colleagues to study if I needed more help with a specific topic before my exams. Yet, I still balanced my academic life with my social life. So nothing could go wrong, right? Right?
Despite all my effort, I failed my first class. And that one mistake had a horrible effect on my GPA, which felt devastated. I did not know how to tell my mother, who has always been so proud of me. She would have been disappointed. She worked hard to come to America to give me the life she could only dream of, and I blew it. Not only was I scared of the disappointment on my mother's face, but what about medical school interviews? How can I explain why my GPA was so horrible during my first year of college? Who would want a stupid doctor?
No matter how many times I have cried, screamed, or reflected on what had happened, it does not undo the fact that I failed a class during the second semester of my first year at college. I stooped into deep sadness after thinking nothing could be done.
" Behanka, can you hear me on the phone? You can't keep feeling sad for yourself. You can bounce back from this. You need to know how to step forward," said my friend. She continues, " You know, you do not have to answer me, but the least you can do is get on that laptop and figure it out. The old Behanka may have never failed, but she was not a quitter." It was not something I wanted to hear, nor was it comforting, but at that moment, she was right. And 'till this day, I am thankful for that friend [Paola] in my life.
So, I did get on that laptop. And I did ask for help. I now have an effective and realistic plan created with my academic counselor for my next year of college. Failure is not permanent. I realized that a number does not measure my life, nor will people care to ask. Life is not something that is controlled, calculated, or predicted. It is full of obstacles that make me wonder if it is worth continuing. To be frank, I know I will continue to make mistakes as I have taken on a challenging career. But it is not my failure that measures my worth, but my effort. My effort to keep trying, pushing, and succeeding.