Why I'm Here and Why I Dream by Aylin

Why I'm Here and Why I Dream by Aylin - May 2022 Scholarship Essay

My intelligence is what gave me hope that I could live a life bigger than a simple house in a poor neighborhood. My ambition urged me to rise from the factors in life that made me less likely to succeed. My determination burned in me to prove I was more than just a girl, more than just a Latina, more than someone who couldn't afford all the books she wanted or had to watch every cent, more than all the labels and hurdles society had set in my way. However none are my most important trait.

I have learned over hardship and personal suffering that my best trait is my positivity. It isn't always glaringly obvious and in fact to me it was just an afterthought to the qualities that could acquire me a diploma or financial aid. Except anxiety and depression had torn my determination and ambition to shreds and no amount of book reading could help me overcome the ever-present panic and anguish in my body. Through each episode only one method keeps me afloat while I wait for help. The moments I allow my imagination to fly, when I force myself to smile and to truly appreciate the good things among the bad. Mornings in the living room watching old cartoons that actually have very good music, being allowed fast food and my parents' undivided attention. The moments and days I feel like everything might be alright and the eagerness to curl into bed before anxiety proves me wrong and foolish.

I never knew just how valuable those little moments were. Not until my parents would confess to me how happy each smile made them or the fact that right after enduring an episode of suicidal thoughts and almost running away I could laugh at myself for enjoying myself in the hospital room with a good breakfast and ice cream as well as Disney on the TV.

After, as my parents were asleep and my siblings sought rest as well I counted the win of being on my own in the house with no sense of panic. I was winning, and as the days dragged on I kept winning until I was crawling out of my skin to write again, researched colleges with vigor, and looked to a new school year with new zest.

When all had left me it wasn't my cold, calculating mind or relentless passion that showed me a way out. It was the perky chirps that told me; "today will be better." "Today I'll get well." "Just enjoy the chocolate." Or the burger, or being at the store, or the episode of Boy Meets World. As long as I could smile I could see value in living and pressing on so I didn't reach a decision I couldn't take back. My optimism has already saved my life and I don't doubt it'll continue to lead me towards new experiences and lessons.