Leaving to Begin by Ayesha

Leaving to Begin by Ayesha - July 2025 Scholarship Essay

"You are not responsible for the pain others caused. You are allowed to put yourself first now."

If I could give one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be that. Simple words, but ones that would have changed how I saw everything.

A little less than a year ago, my life split in two.
My parents separated after years of quiet tension and emotional distance. My father struggled with control and his own pain, which often showed up as anger or unpredictable behavior. Living in that environment was difficult. I spent years trying to keep the peace, often ignoring my own feelings just to keep things from getting worse. At times, I wasn’t sure where I fit into the picture, just that I had to get through it.
Now, at 18, I’m getting ready to move from Chicago to New York for school. On the surface, it’s just a change in location. However, to me it represents something bigger, a decision to finally take that advice I wish I had heard earlier. I’m not running away from the past instead I’m stepping into a future that I’m choosing for myself. Chicago is more than where I just grew up, it's my home. It holds memories of my past and my identity; some good and some difficult. It’s where I went to school, made friends, discovered I wanted to pursue family law. It’s also where I learned how to predict everyone's moods, how to stay out of the way, how to sacrifice my own needs for peace. For a long time, I didn’t realize how tolling that was, or how much of myself I had to hide just for the sake of others. If I could go back and speak to the version of me who sat quietly behind a bedroom door, trying not to be noticed, I would remind her: it was never your fault. You were never meant to carry that kind of weight. More importantly, you are allowed to grow beyond it.
New York is unfamiliar, but it provides me with a new opportunity. For the first time, I’m not living under the effects of someone else’s mood or choices. I’m living for myself. That doesn’t mean forgetting the past, it means carrying the lessons with me, while finally giving myself permission to do what I desire.