From Insecurity To Independence by Ava

From Insecurity To Independence by Ava - November 2023 Scholarship Essay

Every two weeks since I was a baby, I spent hours gazing outside of my dad's car window. While younger me loved receiving double Christmas presents, high school me felt like the outsider of not one family- but two. From having a last name different from my mother's to being excluded from family pictures, a sense of isolation surrounded me.
Over time, my two separate lives slowly became more polarizing. While one house was composed of stability, love, and trust, the other was one of rules, arguments, and overprotection. After every drive to my dad’s house, I felt the overwhelming feeling of culture shock. Despite the differences between these two lives, a desire for perfection always stayed with me. This perfectionist ideal developed as a coping mechanism to regain control over my life in the parts where I felt that stability was non-existent. I thought that if I could be the perfect daughter, sister, and student then all my problems would be solved. Growing desperate never to say or do the wrong things, I silenced my opinions, leading me to become a people pleaser, even when it was detrimental to me.
However, this ideology all changed when my sister was born. She shared the same bright blue eyes as me, but at the time I did not know what those eyes would mean. Noticing nystagmus in her eyes at only two months old, my family started DNA testing on ourselves and on her. After a disconcerting and agonizing few months, we found out that she has Leber’s congenital amaurosis (LCA), a gene mutation that could lead to her fully losing her retinal functions in just a few years.
As the heaviness of the news weighed down on my family, my reaction became one of despair and hopelessness. While simultaneously dealing with this recent news, I became a slave to my self-doubt, as I struggled internally with my perfectionist philosophy. It was not until one day, that my hopelessness turned into hope, as I looked at myself in the mirror and the eyes that I saw looking back at me were not my own, but my sister’s. I realized that the hope I had for her I needed for myself as well. From my sister, I learned that perfection does not exist. I had to choose to be authentically myself and not the perfect imposter that I had fabricated. Finally, I grasped the idea that I could create my own story and life, instead of choosing between the ones given to me. To be the independent role model my sister would need to support her, I needed to grow in myself.
I can now confidently say that perfection does not exist. Throughout my high school journey, I have not only grown in my confidence and self-worth, but I am taking this newfound independence and trust in myself into every aspect of my life. I decided I would not stay quiet anymore, but speak my mind despite what others had to say. When asked to be president of the Leo's Club, or when running for Student Council, I was terrified, but I pushed past my insecurities because I knew I would love the newfound leadership and responsibility. Once I stayed silent out of fear of saying the wrong thing, I now freely speak my mind and am strong in my opinions. Once fearful of becoming an inadequate role model to my siblings, I can now confidently guide them in their lives.
With this epiphany of confidence and growth, I am ready to take on any hardships that I know life will throw my way. I am elevated to show my success in taking the next step of my journey through college and in all of my future. No longer drowning in the image of forged perfection, I am finally myself.
My head was a jumble of conversations. My dreams were stories of words. The constant dialogue that swallowed my mind has been and always will be never-ending. For years, I saw these insights as a roadblock preventing me from focusing. After a journey through insecurities and confidence, I now see that this is not a debilitating level of creativity, but truly a blessing of imagination. However, the one constant in my daily life is that every night my little brother will listen to me read a story to him. This is where my passion for storytelling originated, but it is not where it ends. I want to create what those authors created for me and my brother: connection. The major in journalism will allow me to explore a vast variety of careers, in which I will be empowered to use not only my creativity but also my analytical side. An education in journalism would allow me to explore my critical thinking skills and allow me to develop new ways to communicate effectively with others. My willingness to challenge myself with new experiences, my love for learning, and my constant desire for curiosity are even more reasons that I intend to study journalism. This intuitive passion and curiosity that has given me the gift of words, has led me to want to live a future in which I will use these skills daily.