We had the Answer Within Us All Along. by Ava

We had the Answer Within Us All Along. by Ava - November 2022 Scholarship Essay

For a while, I’ve Seen everything that I do in third person view. How I acted, how I did my makeup, how I dressed, how I danced, how I played trumpet; no matter what I was doing, I was thinking in my brain, “how does this look to other people?”. Even when I was alone in my room, out of nowhere I would have an intrusive thought telling me, “what if someone was actually watching me right now?” and I’d automatically change my behavior. But when did this all start? When did I start constantly seeing myself through this unhealthy lens? I vividly remember in 5th grade, I noticed that many of the girls I wanted to be more like wore name brands such as “Nike”, “Under Armour”, “Adidas“, etc.; all sporty brands because most of them played some sort of sport. So since 5th grade, I’ve been conscious of how others may perceive me and ever since then, I have carried that with me.
Prior to COVID-19 cutting my freshman year of high school short, I had struggled in school. I struggled with my classes and I ate lunch alone in the band room every day. I just acted and dressed however I thought would make me the least ostracized. I was a carbon copy of everyone around me. Due to me feeling ostracized in a public school environment, becoming an online student due to COVID-19 was a positive experience for me. So much so that I stayed as an online student for the next two and half years. During this isolation, I had grown to heal some of the emotional wounds that my freshman year had given me.
I did the typical book reading, podcast listening, and documentary watching that one would do when trying to learn about healing and self acceptance. I also went to therapy which helped the most. Cut to-April 2022, My High School is sending emails about scheduling classes for the 2022-2023 school year and I chose to listen to the part of me that was yearning for social interaction. Friendships, Relationships, and Guidance on College decisions were my main priorities. So I asked my Parents if I could resume as an in-person student and they were very supportive of my decision.
Throughout this period of growth, I had rediscovered my style, started to not hate the body that I had been given, I started to workout, I relearned my priorities/morals, and I grew an actual personality; not just one I thought would get me the most friends. Right before the 2022-2023 school year began, I found some photographs that I have never seen before. Hundreds of photos from when I was a little girl. Little me wearing whatever I pleased, Smiling with my real smile, playing in nature, petting snakes, and more. I wasn’t dressing for the validation of others, I wasn’t trying to hide my smile because of insecurity, I was enjoying the moment, I was going out of my comfort zone, and more… are these not all things that we should do more of as adults? Little me would not spend hours of her life ridiculing herself in the mirror. Now, I can’t help but see that little girl every time I look in the mirror. She had lust for life and vibrant curiosity. I keep a photo of her on every mirror in my room, because we forget that when we talk poorly about ourselves, that means we are also talking about our younger self. She lives within all of us.
So now I not only keep her on my mirrors, I carry her with me wherever I go. She has been my most surprising source of inspiration this school year. She will be my source of inspiration for the rest of my life. Adolescent Ava. Who says that just because we are entering adulthood, that we have to abandon these child-like traits? From our younger selves we can learn how to be free.