The Pursuit of Knowledge, Not Perfection by Ashley

The Pursuit of Knowledge, Not Perfection by Ashley - August 2022 Scholarship Essay

Although it may sound counterintuitive, my academic goal for this year is to disregard all academic goals. Let me explain.
I fell in love with learning when I was young. When I was watching documentaries or reading I felt closest to my father. I’ve thought about theories and scientific mysteries for fun. Studying physics on the quantum level used to be a hobby of mine.
When I got to middle school, I began to focus on my grades more, which started off fine. I was achieving more. I became an honor roll student with straight A’s in advanced classes. As I got into the later years of middle school, A’s were no longer good enough. I was striving for a high A: 96% or above. After that came striving for a 98%, even though the difference had no impact on my GPA.
In high school, classes got more complex and more niche, yet as the classes got more difficult, so did the standard I set for myself. AP Physics and Computer Science were classes I knew I’d be infatuated with, as I am really passionate about STEM, but I found myself miserable because the only thing I could focus on was my grade in the class.
A’s and A+’s soon became the expectation I set for myself rather than a goal. It wasn’t something to strive for, it was something I connected my identity with. I defined my self worth based on my grades, and when I fell short of perfection I used it as an excuse to indulge in my obsessive thoughts, putting off time with family or friends to triple-check my school work.
My entire life revolved around the number of questions I was able to get right. Every time I took a test or did an assignment, all I could think about was ways to improve my score. Because the only answer was perfection, I was never good enough. I felt all of my achievements meant nothing, all the while I neglected the reason I fell in love with academics in the first place: learning.
So this year, I’m changing all of that. It will be hard because the mindset I’ve adapted has become a habit at this point, but I am dedicated to breaking the cycle of making academic goals and fixating on my grades. This year I know I will be studying for the pursuit of knowledge instead of the pursuit of perfection, and that in of itself greatly excites me.