How I Stopped Bleeding For Someone Who Never Showed Up by Anthony

How I Stopped Bleeding For Someone Who Never Showed Up by Anthony - July 2025 Scholarship Essay

If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, I would not sugarcoat it. I would look him in the eyes and say, “Stop carrying pain that does not belong to you.” There was a time in my life when I thought I had to be the reason he left. When my dad walked out, I did not just lose a parent. I lost part of how I saw myself.

I thought, if he loved me, would he have stayed? That question became a shadow I dragged behind me. I never said it out loud, but I lived like the answer was no. It is strange how silence can get louder the longer you hold it. I would be sitting in class, surrounded by noise, but my mind would wander to the sound of nothing. No birthday calls. No "I am proud of you." No seat at my football games. Just absence.

One night when I was fourteen, my big brother cried himself to sleep. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, “I just miss him, even if he did'nt miss us.” That hit me harder than anything. Because I felt it too. And I hated that we felt that way about someone who did not stay.

That is when I started realizing this was not just about my dad. It was about the story I was telling myself. That his leaving meant I was not enough. But what I wish I could tell that younger version of me is this. “You do not have to be the reason people leave. Sometimes they are just not strong enough to stay.” There is a quote that changed me. “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” That was me.

I tried so hard to be everything for everyone. Smiling when I wanted to cry. Carrying the weight so nobody else had to. I thought that was what strength was. Hiding your cracks. But I have learned that strength is not about pretending you are okay. It is about letting yourself feel and still showing up anyway.

I remember the first time I said it out loud. I was at a church youth night, and the leader asked, “What is one thing you have never said but wish someone knew?” I did not plan to speak, but the words came out before I could stop them. “I wish my dad loved me enough to stay.”
The room went quiet. I expected judgment or embarassment. Instead, a few kids nodded. One said, “Me too.” That was the moment I realized I was not alone. And maybe the thing that hurt me most could help someone else.

There is another quote I live by now. “Pain shared is pain halved.” When I opened up, I did not lose strength. I found it. My past did not change, but the weight of it did. I learned that forgiveness is not about saying what happened was okay. It is about choosing to stop letting it control you.
Now, I use my story to help others.

I like to teach younger kids who come from similar situations. I show up. I listen. I tell them what I wish someone had told me. “You matter. You always did.” And every time one of them opens up, I feel that old pain becomes something new. Something useful. I have learned that you can take the worst parts of your story and plant seeds with them. Pain can bury you or it can grow you. The choice is yours.

So if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be this. You are allowed to outgrow the version of you that had to survive. Now it is time to live.