Eclosion by Annabelle

Eclosion by Annabelle - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

The butterfly effect is defined as, by Google, “the phenomenon whereby a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere”. Or in my own words, every little moment leads into the next. For this reason, I believe that I wouldn’t be the same person I am today if I hadn’t made the choices I made when I made them or if I hadn’t been in the places I was when I was there. Every experience, good, bad, or ugly has taught me something, adding to the sum of who I am.
But if I could give my younger self a piece of advice, it would have been to express myself authentically. I should have worn the “crazy” outfit, even with the judgemental stares I would have gotten. I should have told people how much they meant to me sooner, rather than stoically making feeble attempts to protect my heart, and feeling worse when they left. I relate this experience to be similar to living in a turtle shell. It’s predictable and safe because you know that you’re in control of how much people or situations can hurt you. If a conversation gets too vulnerable, a relationship too intimate, or a new experience too challenging, you can retreat back into your shell and find solace in that. It seems like a foolproof, solid plan. But it has failed me more times than I can count.
Too often I found myself in a room full of people, all of which I knew to an extent but none I was able to truly connect with. Never once letting myself get too invested, I could only relate to people on a surface level, a safe level. I was unable to give comfort to others because I spent so much time running away from vulnerable conversations, afraid that the people I encountered would be like those of the past. Being open felt exposing, like someone was picking at parts of my brain on an operation table, left only to their devices and care. Stuck in a trance of obsession, I spent my free time mulling over the best way to prevent embarrassment and failure, while preserving my truth, in this I spent my entire junior year worrying. About the future that I am currently living, about how I was seen through the eyes of others, about how mediocre I felt and still feel compared to my extremely talented peers, and the fact that I wasn’t keeping up. My mind became detached from my body and I fell into a state of survival, while not being in imminent danger.
My past advice on how exactly to live authentically would be to adopt the idea that I am allowed to be free. No matter what I faced in the past, and no matter who tries to tell me who I am, I am allowed to be truthful to myself, right now. Not after I move out, not when I turn 18, right now I am allowed to be at home in my own mind and body and soul. I would tell myself nobody on this earth has the power to change or influence that, and that I have to take back the power I give so freely to others. That might be the only part of myself I do give up, and arguably the most valuable. I constantly have to remember where it is meant to be held, and that it belongs to me.
Most of all, I needed to expand my mind and open my wings. I needed to embody the fact that I am so much more than what people have told me I am, all that I am supposed to be, and even what I believe I am. I would tell myself that right now, as I live and breathe, imperfect and ever-in-progress, I alone have the right to create who I will be.