Impostor Syndrome by Afia

Impostor Syndrome by Afia - July 2023 Scholarship Essay

People can usually be characterized with oxymorons, or a pair of contradictory words. For example, large companies are friendly traitors, my sister is orderly disorder, and my teachers would be mean kindness.

When I returned to the classroom after the pandemic, I chose for my oxymoron to be “benevolent impostor” because it simultaneously characterized who I was and who I wanted to be. I was a benevolent person. I would fight with my friends over who opened a door for the other, I tutored my classmates when they asked for help, and I made sure to help my parents with any heavy lifting. Of course, being benevolent is seen as a good trait, so I wanted to keep up this appearance. However, I also felt like an impostor. Maybe it was because I was in a school for the “top 1% in NYC” and my grades were just average compared to the tryhards I attended class with. Or maybe it was because I only won in AmongUs with my friends when I was the impostor. However, I was tired of not being as good as my peers, and could feel my benevolency slipping. As a result, I turned to becoming an impostor. I kept a false mask of benevolence and intelligence through the school year because I thought I could fake my way to being a nice, smart person when I felt those traits disintegrating from who I was. To my disliking, the countless all-nighters and studying did not improve my academic performance, and maintaining an appearance of contentment around my peers was just exhausting. As a result, my biggest failure during my education was thinking I had to become someone else, an impostor, to succeed. Once I realized this, I redefined myself.

I would no longer be an oxymoron, or any moron for that matter. Instead, I was just going to be my authentic self. I started the new year not as an impostor, but as I like to think of it, a crewmate. Maybe that idea was inspired by AmongUs, but it was the perfect definition. Crewmates are known for being honest, committed, team players, all traits I embraced. Instead of lying about my emotions, I was honest about how I felt and my friends understood. Instead of taking my academics too seriously, I cut back the all-nighters from every-other-day to once a week. Instead of shying away from events in favor of studying afterschool, I committed to attending more clubs with my friends. Instead of staying to the side during larger discussions and projects, I put effort into making them more collaborative experiences. My grades were finally improving and I was happier with myself. As a result of this failure overall, I’ve become someone who was no longer an impostor, but a crewmate.