The Teachings of My Subconscious by Abigail

The Teachings of My Subconscious by Abigail - June 2024 Scholarship Essay

August of 2020, at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, there was an influx of teenagers that developed anxiety tics. I was one of the lucky few. My freshman year of high school, I began to notice jerky movements that I had no control over. As my tics progressed, my family and I grew worried, so we visited several physicians and a neurologist. All professionals that I turned to assured me that I do not have Tourette’s Syndrome, but an unspecified tic disorder. The neurons of my brain are misfiring every time I tic as a result of my subconscious responding to outside stressors. Throughout the years, my tics slowly became more severe. What started off as a few random movements turned into disruptive noises and vulgar gestures.

At first, I was very insecure about my tics. I was afraid of what people would think of me. Luckily, instead of being faced with adversity, my peers and I made light of it. My tics can be very funny, and laughing takes some of the stress off of me. However, downplaying them also has its downsides. Excitement triggers my tics, meaning, although I enjoy laughing about them with others, they become more active when I am with my peers.

My tics often cause a physical, mental, and emotional burden. I have no choice but to be constantly aware of a condition that makes me stand out. When there is a time period when my tics are extremely active, I can get headaches several times a week because of their frequency. I feel fatigued regularly because my body is constantly in movement and my tics are often harsh and sudden, which causes a bigger toll on my body and mind. Sometimes they are so active that I just need to go home and sleep them off. Oftentimes, they are active for no reason, causing me to rack my brain wondering why, why, why. Needless to say, having limited control over my body these past years has been extremely difficult.

Despite these struggles, my tics are not an educational barrier, but an incredible opportunity. Because of them, I have learned to communicate effectively with those around me. They taught me how to persevere through seemingly endless attacks caused by my own mind and through extensive fatigue and mental strain in order to reach my goals, academic or otherwise. I believe that much of my work ethic and my goal-oriented mind can be attributed to the fact that I never wanted to let my tic disorder hold me back from anything I wanted to do. I took the advanced classes and college courses, not only to increase my chances at a bright future, but also to show myself and others that my disorder will not stop me from attaining whatever I put my mind to. I thrived in environments with high pressure because my tics taught me to never give up, to keep going no matter how much I wanted to sit down and stay down. The lessons taught to me by my own disorder are things that I would likely never have learned in a formal educational environment, and it is information that cannot easily be relayed. The knowledge that I have gained is not tangible. The extent of what I learned from my tics cannot be taken from my mind and put onto paper to be lectured to others. It is an experience unique only to me. Even now, I learn more about myself everyday. As I take my next steps from high school to university, I will take what I have learned with me and implement it into my life so that I can continue to thrive.