Just A Little Love by Abbie

Just A Little Love by Abbie - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

One piece of advice that I would give my younger self would have to be; to learn how to love yourself. I've always struggled with mental health, it's been a part of me for a very long time. It has stopped me from making friends and keeping friends. It's stopped me from wanting to go to work, to school, and even to college. I persevere every day, but I still don't know what loving myself feels like. I struggle with keeping myself fed and I forget to shower and brush my teeth sometimes, especially on those bad days.

I suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD, and probably more if I had someone diagnose me. I struggle with self-harm and wanting to end it all sometimes. I also suffer from anxiety tics, which are like Tourette's syndrome but more manageable and easier to control. I struggle with being happy with myself in any way possible, whether it comes to my body or my personality, or even my mental illnesses. I, honestly, couldn't say I've been happy, at least, not in a very long time. The glimpses of happiness that I get are always taken away from me.

I would tell myself to stick with the plan and don't listen to them when someone tells you your dreams are too big. I would tell her that no matter what went on around her, it wasn't her fault. She had nothing to do with what happened to her, some people just don't get the effects of their actions when it comes to children. My younger self now knows that she's gonna make it, but I just wish she knew she was when she was younger too. She never thought she was going to make it past sixteen, she never thought she was gonna have a future.

The reason why my mental health is so bad is because of trauma. I had a drug addict father, a mother who wouldn't leave him no matter how much I pleaded, and my grandfather who molested me for most of my childhood. Most of my childhood I can't remember, but I do have a few memories, I can't remember them all in detail but it's all I have. As a child I didn't know how to deal with this, I didn't talk to people often about my household, and when I did finally talk to someone, nothing was done about it. Not until I was sixteen and my father past away, I was the one who found him. My adoptive mother, who changed everything for me, went to court against my mother, and I was right beside her. If it weren't for my adoptive mother, I would never be where I am today. I would have never made it to college, I would have never survived without the meds that she got me on to help with my mental illnesses and the craziness that goes on in my head, which I haven't even gone into detail yet.

I only believe, not know as no one has diagnosed me, that I suffer from borderline or schizophrenia, or at least some personality disorder. My train of thought has never been quite right, always negative and pushing my self-esteem further down, but it's not just that. I believe, sometimes at least, that I hear different people trying to talk to me in my head. I know it's a mental illness because that's insane, how would I be able to hear other people talking to me through my thought process during those high times of stress? If only people really understood why it's so difficult to be "just me" sometimes.

That's what I would tell my younger self though, to just be herself. No one is gonna want to be friends or fall in love with a fake version of yourself, and if they do, how long do you think that you would be able to manage that one personality for so long? Especially when it comes to someone like me. It's another reason why I dislike myself so much as well though, why can't I just be one person? It's hard to find the right people so you can actually be yourself, especially when you mend yourself around their ways. I know all of this now but I've been doing it for so long that I'm kind of stuck in the pattern, and don't quite know how to stop myself from switching personalities. I wish my younger self knew what was to come so she could fight it better.

There are so many things I would love to tell my younger self, all relating to self-love though. I wish I could teach her myself, but it's already too late for that. So I wish I could tell her to just learn how to love herself, so I would know now what to do to try and love myself. I know this was very much a roller coaster ride, but thank you for reading this. I hope you consider me for the scholarship, as it would be much appreciated and help me move on from my past to something greater, like continuing college. Thank you.